I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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