There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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