My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
