i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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