if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
