I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You're like the curious george of whores
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
wow bdsm is so cute
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