I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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