I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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