Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
