Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
