she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
