Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
