Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
