Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
