oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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