I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
