I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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