Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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