How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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