i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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