Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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