I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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