Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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