After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
