he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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