broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
