that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
