i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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