So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
