Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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