She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
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