never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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