My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
