I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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