yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
