I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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