Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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