My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
