What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
