His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
