just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
