im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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