I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
