so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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