I wish I could teleport
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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