Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
