how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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