I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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