and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
