U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
