I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
