How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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