Can i not drive my cunt home
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
