I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
