Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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