totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
