it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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