I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
