I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Randomize
