i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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