I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
