Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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