There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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